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Invalidation is Scarring

I am your typical, hypersensitive emo kid and I’m learning to love myself for being that. I truly do love being sensitive, impulsive, eccentric, quirky, hyperbolic in a comedic way, and digging deep enough so I can relate to others. I love that shit so much.

But I used to hate it. I used to hate being a crier, speaking too loudly without noticing, have a sharp tongue, expressing my weirdest interests and not noticing when someone is extremely creeped out. Being this way diagnosed me with lone wolf syndrome and “she’s fun to be around, but she’s also fucking crazy” disorder. Worst of all, criticism from my parents encouraged me to cling to the label of “you don’t know anything”, “you don’t know what you’re talking about,” and “you will never understand,.”. Even though these are common statements that parents say, usually not with the intent to offend their children, it hurt me EVERY time. It still hurts me. Who I am perceives the world in a unique way and it’s extremely unfair to dismiss someone’s experience because they are different than yours. There is nothing more painful to me than being invalidated.

It takes me to this existential edge because I am not the type of person that likes to dismiss what others say. It’s in my nature to be considerate of their view, to listen even when I vehemently disagree. I listen because it gives me an opportunity to learn. It gives me a chance to sit down and think about that person. “Why do they think that way? What causes them to believe this instead of that?” This is because I love learning; I treasure understanding. Because consideration is so precious to me, it scars me when my expressions get thrown in the trash when I hear, “You just don’t understand because you’re like this.” I immediately become shamed and suddenly I’m seeing all that I love about myself as something that needs to be destroyed. At least, that’s how I used to think and I regress into that feeling from time to time.

I’m working on detaching myself emotionally from offending words so I can read between the lines. When my parents say, “You don’t understand because you’re like this,” or “You’ve only been on this planet for two minutes,” it hurts every time, but I’ve learned to interpret that as them saying, “From my point of view, you are inexperienced in this field and I’m concerned you’re not understanding my point based on your responses. I feel you’re not acknowledging what I’m saying, so I want to let the conversation go.” God, what I would pay for my parents to have that kind of diction, but alas, free will and all. But I must remember when my emotions detect pain from that sort of critique, my thoughts tend to magnify that into invalidation. It feels sort of like a program I can’t rewrite. So instead of rewriting, I’m having to update the program instead. My emotions are a compass to my true nature, so I don’t want to shut them down; I just need to have them redirect me to a place where I can let the pain pass while reminding myself that my experience isn’t invalidated due to a difference in opinion. That is easier said than done because it is my greatest trigger. My parents have said things like this to me over and over and over again because their strong-willed daughter with ADHD was difficult to keep the reins on frequently. I was repeatedly shamed for being myself and I know deep down my parents didn’t want me to feel shame. They just wanted control and discipline.

I’m not a parent so I don’t know what it’s like having a raw, authentic, young life running around my house 24/7, but I do know human behavior. It can’t be controlled, just manipulated or encouraged. Behaviors are redirected or transformed when there is a reinforcer and/or a punishment. When I look back at the behaviors I remember having, the reinforcements and punishments echo to my present and sometimes I forget that this is an opportunity for wisdom, self-improvement, and self-trust because I get caught up in reliving the shame and the agony of self-hatred. But when that pain passes, I can let the scars of my invalidation heal, develop my own reinforcers, allow life to bring its own punishments (which not I’m calling “lessons), and go from there. I’m getting better at being flexible with myself and forgiving myself. I’ve already forgiven those in my past that may or may not have been part of my program of shame, which is especially important because I absolutely cannot blame others for my choices or my nature. We influence one another, but rarely do we have complete control. Rarely are any of us that powerful or powerless.

After some meditation and tarot readings today, I ran into this video that helped calm down a bit after an upsetting battle with my ego.

If whoever reads this has a program to update as well, I hope this video helps you the way it helped me.

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Regression’s Just A Lesson

There are so many elements to my existence I purposely shunned out of regret of my past mistakes. This hit me today when I realized why I’m leaving my current job next week. This job had good pay, benefits, the whole nine yards that most companies will give to their employees, but I’m letting it all go because my authenticity has been revived.

I grew up in a high-expectation environment where mistakes were the end of the world for a sensitive little soul like me. 20 something years later, I grew a thicker skin, but not too thick. My sensitivity, my intuition, my emotion, and my vulnerability are key parts of my character. I wanted to abandon them before because they harbored so much hurt that led me to self-destruct, but somehow I survived. In fact, I know I survived because who I am is meant to absorb what others aren’t so sensitive to, which is fine; we are all keen to certain things in life and are blind to others things so another person can open our eyes. My workplace opened my eyes to how painful it is for one’s strongest quality to be overshadowed by making a mistake, by being human. It summoned past hurts and signaled red flags reminding me I do not need to tolerate any hostile environment. While I had the strength, I decided to resign. Even though I know I’ll certainly miss certain people and constantly hope those people will be okay, I knew it was time for me to leave.

I am fiercely independent, relentlessly creative, driven enough to share my work, and vulnerable enough to see the results. I’m manifesting success and victory from now on as a declaration of freedom and a promise to myself not to give up on me.

Huh. I just saw 11:11.

That’s a good sign.

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Current Project and Instagram

Inspired by NaNoWriMo and a group project my friends and I are working on, I’ve decided to start a series of short stories based on sketches/drawing that pop up in my head. It’s something that sounded right in my head, so I’m excited to keep this going even after November.

Here are some snapshots of what I’m currently working on:

These pictures and additional snapshots of my progress can be found on my Instagram.

– Kei

Law of Attraction

These last couple months of going self-employed again have been interesting. I left a toxic job, earned money through freelance work, found my love and inspiration for artistic endeavors again, and discovered that I really got a thing for witchcraft.

It’s been a great self-discovery journey, but I have also found it to be a self-empowering journey. I don’t feel like I’m floating or that I’m this empty, invisible…freak anymore. I have found more belonging and have expressed my discoveries and wanderings on YouTube. The more I’ve come to love who I am and embrace my true interests, the more I witness the universe’s support. I don’t fear a lot of things I used to and due to the blessings I’ve received, I find I’m more anxious for what’s to come next more than anything. To keep this law of attraction thing going, I’ve really had to be careful as to how I view myself and others. The beliefs I’ve embraced warn against manifesting what could counteract the access to energy I need to take on each day and doing this has definitely heightened my self-awareness.

The Law of Attraction has helped me develop gratitude and has released me from the desire to compare myself to others. I still battle with loneliness at times, but it doesn’t consume me for long like it used to.

I Feel Like I’m Floating

I’m pumped for life, but I don’t know where I’m going. I’m not even sure if there’s a destination; it’s just a long, long journey that doesn’t really seem to have an end. My 24 years of experiencing this sensation still hasn’t granted me any place of grounding or security. Why would a free spirit complain about that?

Having no place to plant my feet and belong is a constant sensation that summons depression daily, yet I’ve gotten increasingly better at just accepting that the pursuit of stability in a plan is pointless. Hoping for a sense of completion within another living being is pointless. This doesn’t make life pointless; but it does make life more mysterious and aching. I’m screaming for home even on days I’m surrounded by friends and family. I love them all so much and don’t understand why I haven’t found a place on this planet that feels right, yet.

Maybe it’s my Gemini Moon, but…I’m very unsure of where I’m supposed to be and the many reasons that answer that inquiry. Self-love and self-mastery help along with spiritual sensitivity and a hyperawareness of certain realms of existence, but where am I supposed to apply all of this? Why am I such a fucked up puzzle piece?

I recollected the times some people in my life called me an actor for being dramatic, yet distant or being bright and clear, yet dark and foggy. Another Gemini trait for the Aquariuan sun to untangle I guess.

Depression doesn’t really win anymore when these thoughts surface, thank goodness. They’re just thoughts that pass by, like clouds. Thank God for clouds.

Stuck In Limbo

I keep going through this cycle of having momentum and running on empty when it comes to my creative drive. Much of the misery I’ve been trying not to feed has inspired plenty of ideas, but motivation is often lacking. What sucks is I’m trying not to be this way. I don’t want to go from “neutral and empty” to “depressed” over and over again, but every fucking day has been like this for over a year. I’m losing hope that my mental and emotional health will ever get better.

I feel like the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is remembering my friends and family that are depending on me still existing so I can help them later. I’m trying to balance that out by living for myself. I try to do what I love, learn more about what I love, share the love towards friends and family, spark a new love with dating, revive my constant love of music, writing and art by finding inspiring artists, talk to God, meditating, doing active and semi-active exercises, eating better, doing self-care hygiene tasks, taking my meds, aromatherapy, reading books that I love, playing video games that I love; I’m doing everything I can. I’m just stuck in this limbo and I have no idea how to get out of it.

I fought depression for a long time, but it’s never been this bad. I’ll continue putting one foot in front of the other, but I have no idea where I’m walking to.

I have no idea where I’m going.

People say your 20s is incredibly hard since you become surrounded with self-doubt. It’s true, but… I don’t really doubt my abilities to do what I love. I doubt the success of those abilities. The joy of accomplishment I’ve seen in so many hearts is a sensation I think I’ve forgotten or never had. I’m not really sure anymore.

I’m still going to keep trying. Just because I don’t feel it now, doesn’t mean it isn’t possible later. All is temporary, including my limbo.